Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I Am Free

I don't know how many times we've talked about freedom at school. But still, this image made me think and reevaluate my concept of freedom. I don't intend to give the most professional or philosophical insight about it, because I am merely a teenage boy, with teenage vocabulary and I have not read nearly enough to have the clearest idea of everything freedom implies. Reading things like what's on that image though, really makes me wonder... Are we really free? It's like, there's a certain "model" for how to live your life. A lot of people try to make their life as similar to that perfect model as possible, which is where the term "american dream" comes from. However a lot of people try to live a different life, completely different from this model. They try to shape it in every way they can, to make it feel like it's their own. Change every single detail so it feels unique. Sometimes, it's simply impossible to fully save yourself from falling into some aspects of the standard way of life.
When I first started writing this post (not so long ago, it's quite short as you can see) I wrote "I don't think so." Right after the question of freedom. As you can see, it's nowhere to be found anymore. And that's because when I started writing all of this, I realized what *I* really think (obviously people can agree or disagree). I think that as long as we have a clear idea of what we want our lives to be, based on who we really are, and what we as individuals aspire to achieve, then we are free. Even if it is only in our minds. We can go to work, send our kids to school, act normal, watch T.V. and everything else you may want to add; but just as long as deep down you're doing everything because you want to, and you're not afraid to be a little bit crazy, even when you don't show it, then you are free.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

I Could Definitely Use Somebody

Everybody seems to have someone. At least one person, one friend they can just talk to, hang out, and eat with. I talk to some people. I hang out with some others. And I eat with a few more. But I don't have somebody there for me. And it's really starting to get to me.
I have adapted. I can ride a bike. I embrace the few hours of sunlight I have. I wash my own clothes, cook my own food and shop for groceries. But I still can't find my place here in terms of people.
It takes a great deal of effort for me and quite a lot of time to trust someone. To feel connected to someone. Not even in a romantic way, just in terms of friendship. I wish I already had someone I could go to at 3 am in the morning, knock on their door and talk about things that are troubling me. But I don't.
Sometimes I feel great, I'm very positive and I smile at strangers on the streets. But I can't put up that happy face all the time, it takes energy, and it can't just be fueled on happy thoughts. There has to be some actual happy things happening to me if I want to remain positive. I don't want the sadness to overcome me. But I don't know what I should do, it's not a matter of rushing things.
I just want someone that'll watch a movie in my room with me, eat what I cook, cook for me, take me out shopping, or simply welcome me in their room whenever I knock with no specific reason. I just need a friend. A real friend.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


I was just watching Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, a very weird, trippy movie that involves being able to get stuff done to your brain to erase memories of people. Or something like that. Anyway, as I stopped myself from vomiting over the extremely confusing scenes, a thought came to my mind.

What would life be without memory?

Like, what if there was no such thing as recording experiences in your brain? You just go through life living for every second that's coming, one after another. You don't have any friends, no family, and certainly no lover. (Well first of all the world as we know it wouldn't exist, but just try to picture it).

Would we just be ghosts roaming the planet with no purpose? Or perhaps savages that only care about our basic instincts... Would we appreciate the beauty of nature, or beauty of any kind for that matter? Would the concept of beauty even exist? Would any concept exist? What would we live for?

We wouldn't have to look back, but I can't see how we would be able to look forward. You're just looking at what's in front of you. Would we feel empty? Would we feel like something is missing? Or maybe we would never know the difference. That would just be how we are, how could it be strange? You can't miss something that was never there to begin with.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


Am I supposed to be here? Wait. Maybe that's not the best question. Maybe things aren't supposed to be one way or another. What I mean is... is being here my best option in life at the moment? Could I be doing something else that makes me feel more fulfilled? Would I be more productive if I was somewhere else? Is this career really what I want?

I'm full of uncertainty, and it's making me sick. It was a huge effort to come all the way to the Netherlands to study, not only for me but for my parents. It continues to be a non-stop effort from them, financially and emotionally even... with my mom being all alone back in Mexico for example. I'm scared to see that maybe this is not what I wanted after all. Just the thought of me actually doubting and writing this right now seems like such a huge failure.

Is it really that I don't feel like this study is for me? Or is it just me, who's not able to adapt, doesn't feel at home and is starting to miss everything and everyone. Should I stay a little longer and see what happens or fix this possible 'mistake' as fast as possible so it doesn't grow into something bigger?

I have so many questions and I can't see or hear answers anywhere. Maybe I should talk about this with my parents? But I'm scared. I don't wanna let them down, but I also don't wanna go on living in uncertainty... I wanna do something that makes me feel complete! I wanna feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, being wherever I'm meant to be. I wanna do what I love. But what is it?

Friday, October 9, 2009

Today Is The Best Day Of My Life

Okay, maybe it's not. That's not the point. The point is, life is what you make of it. Life is not so much about what happens to you, but more about how you react to it. What's your attitude towards life?
You don't need a reason, just wake up one day and have a positive attitude. You'll see how when you do this, it's harder for things to bring you down. Waiting in line is not so bad, missing your bus isn't the end of the world.
Think about how lucky you already are by just being here. Think about all the things you are able to do. If somethings doesn't work out, try something else. Life is full of possibilities and opportunities. Don't be afraid to risk now and then. Having a positive attitude affects not only yourself but also others in a good way. Spread the love.
Smile at the sight of a cloudy gray day. Say thank you to the grumpy bus driver. Give directions to a lost student. Help an old lady with her groceries. Make love life.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

In My Dreams... I'm A Killer

I need to write about my dream because it's already starting to fade away and it was pretty good so I believe I should share it with you. I don't remember too much about the first part but I remember when all the action started:

I was lying on a bed in a hotel looking at a T.V. that was turned off, holding something that looked like a huge machine gun combined
with a rocket launcher. Suddenly out of nowhere I think some sort of alarm went off, or an explosion was heard, but I jump off the bed, through the window, and I'm now sitting inside a huge tank. There are other people there, telling me who the enemy is and that I should shoot at them. So, for some reason, the enemy tank starts flying away as it it were a chopper, I lift the cannon and try to shoot it before it gets away but I miss it by a couple of meters. Then I get off the tank, wielding my machine-gun-rocket-launcher, and it seems like I'm somewhere like the Zócalo in Mexico, but with a lot of tanks all around me. I see another enemy tank in the distance, then I realize my weapon has this 'lock-on-target' sort of function, so I turn it on and aim at the tank, when I'm locked on the tank I shoot without thinking twice. This missile comes out of my gun, making a very loud noise and swirling through the air leaving a trace of smoke behind it. It gets to the tank and then a huge explosion comes, followed by a lot of dust spreading everywhere and people screaming and running away from the whole mess. That's when I realize "Holy shit, I think I could've just killed a bunch of people, what am I doing? And I'm running around with this huge gun, someone's gonna see me and know it's me and shoot me...". So I keep running, all the streets are chaotic, I get to this one street where it seems like some guy and two girls are trying to rob another girl, and there's people staring at what's happening. Now, for some reason, one of them is a friend from high school (Julieta) and she also has a gun, but unlike real life, she's being very aggressive and tells me to help her save the girl. So again, without any shame, I lift up my huge gun, now using the machine gun function, and proceed to shoot at the 'bad guys'. For some reason my bullets came out more as a squirt of water than actual bullets, but it seemed to work because I ended up getting rid of two of the thieves and as the third one was approaching me, I used the rocket function of the gun and fired right at her, this time my gun shot out what seemed to be a huge needle, and I don't wanna tell you what happened next... too graphic.


Anyways, after that I started having another moral breakdown, I was now running along with my oldest friend from kindergarden, Aclaina, and we go by some police cars so I get extremely nervous. Fortunately there was a river nearby so we jump inside, clean the weapon so no fingerprints can be found and let it sink in the river. Then we catch up with our 'team' or at least that's who I think they were, and we sit at one of these big round white tables, like the ones they usually use for weddings, and talk about what the hell just happened. Then Godric, from True Blood appears (woot!) and for some reason he had been one of my rivals all along (not the enemy, but someone from my team who I strongly disliked) and he's teasing me about what I did and whatnot. Then comes the funny ending of the dream, because I ask Godric "Are you some sort of faggot or something?" and then I proceed to pull him towards me, and we make out. (epic win!)

So that was this night's dream, quite different from anything I can remember. What do you think? Ever had dreams where you're some sort of crazy killer?

Sunday, September 27, 2009


Moving on with our lives is something that seems very automatic, but when you really analyze it you see it's much more complicated. Did you slowly give up things you liked and changed them for new things? Maybe it's for the best. We're supposed to change during time right? We can't always stay the same. But we when you really think about where you are now, and where you were 5 or 10 years ago... it can really get to you.

Last night I was up at 4 or 5 a.m. thinking about this. Only a few years ago I was living in the small town of Cuernavaca with my mom. Life seemed so simple and easy. My life was school and computer games mostly. Things like food or laundry were never of any concern to me, I had it all easy. I spent a lot of time at home and subsequently with my mom. I had a small group of friends.

Now, everything has changed. I'm living in the Netherlands, in a room, by myself. I don't see my mother at all except through Skype, although I do get to see my dad every weekend or so. Food and laundry are things I have to take care of myself, as well as many other issues that involve more and more paperwork and 'adult stuff'.

Sometimes I wonder, would it ever be possible to go back? You know, just go back to the start. Move back to Cuernavaca in a few years, with my mom. Back to the safe and comfort of home. Would it be possible to do that? If so, how unhealthy would that be? It would probably set me back a lot. But it's a nice though when you're being so nostalgic, thinking: "My childhood is over and soon my teenager days will be long gone too..."

I'm still very scared of not living my life to the fullest sometimes. Of not getting it right the first time, and of doing something and then finding out I didn't want that in the end... Of course I can't live in fear, but it just gets to me sometimes you know?

Only sometimes...

Monday, September 21, 2009

Ride With Me

So I'm sitting here on a train from Leiden to Groningen, it takes about three hours from placer to the other, and I'm wondering why I never wrote about this, considering I'm always riding trains from one city to another, it seems obvious to tell you what the train experience in the Netherlands is all about. So here it is, my thoughts during a long train ride:

Alright, as I write this, announcements are being made about the stops and connections. Of course, these announcements are all in dutch, except when you're arriving at the airport, so I never know what the person is going on about. We could be on our way to Bosnia, and I'd just be sitting there with a smile on my face. :)

Naturally, unless you're some sort of pervert, you'll want to travel without anyone unknown beside you. On some train rides this is possible, but in long ones, such as this one, it's most definitely not.

Right now I'm sitting next to this man who might or might not be a teacher, but by the look of his powerpoint presentations he could be teaching some sort of really advanced medical stuff.
There's already some people standing beside me. Poor things couldn't get a seat and there's still more than ninety minutes left before we get there.
Some read magazines, others newspapers, or the latest bestsellers. A large number of students, like me, do their school readings. I still haven't mastered this ability, I always tend to fall asleep after a while. Some people just stare. They stare at the person in front, if they know them, or at least I hope they know each other, otherwise that would be very annoying.
Personally, when I'm not doing homework on the train, I like to have a little snack, listen to music, update twitter and look around to see what everyone's doing, maybe make up stories about them in my mind. But that's just me.

Some people take interest in me, they stare at my hand and pen moving quickly over the paper. Maybe they're curious as to why I write after looking around, maybe they want to read this; but considering my handwriting isn't getting any better, I doubt they can.

I wonder how many stories could be told about what happens on the trains. How many people met the love of their here. How many ran into an old high-school friend, had a terrible accident, saw the most beautiful full moon or found enough time to reevaluate their lives and decide to change.

And as this train gets closer and closer to it's destination, I can't help but wonder how many miles I will travel on it. How many hours I will spend here. How many stories I will have to tell by the end of my time here.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Don't Stop This Train

No I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone this train?

Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight"
"You'll renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in a while, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

This song pretty much describes exactly how I feel lately.
My life is going by extremely fast. I feel like I've been here for a long time.
I miss my country already. I miss the people over there. Thoughts come to mind every night. I'm thinking: 'Will I ever find friends that can compare to those I've made in the last few years?'
I don't know. I hope so. Throughout my life I've changed friends several times because of switching schools or cities, and I always lose contact. This time it's different. Some people say the friends you make in highschool are truly your friends forever. I hope so.
Sometimes I feel like I'm having the time of my life here. Others, I'm miserable. Or I simply feel out of place. Adjusting is slow, but I'll get there. And though at times I may think to myself: 'Why am I here? I should be back in my country, I'm not going to be able to stay here for four years.' I know that I'm here for a reason, I'm here to learn, and learn I will. It's already started, and I couldn't stop the train even if I wanted to, so it's time to enjoy the ride.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Rook

I do believe I have been in love. Though I could be wrong. Either way, it felt good. But being single again isn't bad at all. I can be just as happy when I'm single. I missed the sense of freedom I used to have, and now it's back and I don't feel like letting it go for a while.
The thing is though... I think I'm scared to fall for someone again. I don't wanna be a fool for anybody, I don't wanna have to get tangled up again just to see that it doesn't work out in the end, and go through all the pain once more.
I guess in a way, it's like getting a rook piercing. It looks so pretty but it hurts so much that if it fell out, you'd have to think twice if it's worth going through all the pain just to put it back on.
In time, I think I'll obviously be able to get over this and find someone, but what if I'm not careful and I accidently just start doing the things I do. Feeling lonely, especially now that I'll live by myself, wishing I had someone. It would be a mistake to look for someone just to fill that hole. Because that hole belongs to my friends & family who aren't here for me, not for someone who I'd be in a relationship with. It would be like trying to fit the square into the circle hole in one of those kid's toys. It just won't do.
Avoiding this type of mistake seems pretty easy to me, all in all. There's just one thing. One person. Every time we speak, it happens again. Shiny eyes, almost drooling, trying to think of the next clever thing to say and always talking too much. Always trying to impress, but looking like a fool. Will I ever get over him? Or is it just that I shouldn't give up on it?
It seems to me like I should. It's no use right now. I have four years of nothing but dutchdutchdutch. No time to daydream about this right now.
I'll just distract myself as I have before. I have enough on my hands to keep me busy.

Monday, July 27, 2009


Lately, so many people have been asking me the same question over and over.

'How do you feel?'

And I never know what to answer. I always say 'I don't know...' or 'I'm feeling so many things it's hard to tell'.
But now, it's hit me. I'm really leaving. I'm gonna be in the Netherlands in a few hours, and I'm gonna start a new life there. And how do I feel? I'm scared shitless. Sure I'm excited, happy, nervous, thrilled, etc. But right now, I'm mostly scared.

Why am I scared?

Ever since I was little I wanted to get out of Mexico and see the world. This opportunity I have right now... I can't just let it slip away. It's a chance to fulfill my dream. However I'm scared. I'm scared that chasing this dream is destroying everything else. What if by chasing it, I'm missing out on the things that are truly important? I can't keep on leaving the ones I love behind. I mean... I know I'm still gonna be in touch and I'll never forget them but damn... I wish I could take them all with me. It's hard to keep going if you feel like you're alone. And that's what I will be... at least at first, at least physically... alone.

So I'm scared. But I'll deal with it, like I always do. With the help of the people closest to me. Because I know I'll always have my family & friends backing me up every step of the way. Because I've set my mind to it, and because once I do that,

I am unstoppable.

Friday, July 24, 2009


If there's something I regret in my life right now, and I probably will even more when I'm older, it's missing out on so many things because of my fear of rejection and sometimes ridicule.

When I was little I remember I was leaving my grandparents' place and saying goodbye to everyone, then I enthusiastically leaned towards my aunt with my cheek up high to give & receive a goodbye kiss but she didn't see me. I just stood there with my eyes closed, on my tiptoes, just to realize no one was gonna answer that kiss and I felt pretty god damn stupid. That was the first of many experiences to come.

Everyday I see people, such as my friends interacting with others in ways that I have never tried, because I don't feel comfortable doing so, because if I try doing that I feel fake, like I'm acting. Some examples are: the way some of my friends interact with little kids, or how good they are at small talk with others' parents. Even though I absolutely adore my nephew Santiago, I just sit and watch him do stuff, follow him around and laugh with him, but I'm never able to start talking to him like others and ask in a retarded playful tone: 'What are you doing Santi?' or 'Is that you're robot? Wow it's so cool! And it's red! Wow!'. That's simply not me. Some of my friends could talk to my parents for hours even back in elementary school, and be so nice and polite that it sickened me. Even though it's not like me to do that stuff, and in some cases, it sickens me to see people do that, I'm still jealous of these abilities and I wish I had them sometimes. Why? Well simply because there's a lot to be learned from everyone, especially your elders. If I was able to open up more with my grandfather, I think I could learn a lot from him, but every time I'm left alone with him we just sit in this deep, awkward silence until somebody else comes.

So yeah, I like being myself, including the bad parts of it, but sometimes I wish I could let go of these issues for a while so I could give people a chance to get to know me, and so I could have the opportunity to learn more from them.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Broken Strings

You can't play on broken strings.
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel.
I can't tell you something that ain't real.

This is exactly how I feel right now.
It's hard to accept when something so good is suddenly over. Some people can't. Some people lie to themselves for years and hold on to their past, because it's all there's left to love. I refuse to do that, and so I chose to be honest with myself and my partner, and show how I really feel.
Is it possible to just fall out of love? I don't know. I don't know if that's what happened to me. All I know is somewhere along the road, I gradually lost that warm feeling I used to get, and the excitement to get home for another talk. There's no particular reason. It's definitely not his fault.
In fact, sometimes I feel like it's mine, but really I can't put my finger on why it happened. I don't know who or what to blame. Time & distance? Perhaps. But perhaps not. Maybe we both changed too much. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be.
All I know is that I'll treasure every moment I had while it was still good. I'll never forget every lesson learned, and I'll never, ever, regret a single thing we did together because honestly he's a really great guy and any other boy would be lucky to have him.
We will remain friends. Even if right now it's hard & awkward. We'll work past it eventually. I want to keep him in my life, and for what I understand so does he.
We have learned and grown so much from this, but now... it's time for us to go back to our own projects and pursuit other dreams. Nevertheless we'll always be there for each other, for we have gained a true friendship from this.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Sometimes you feel the urge to say something.
Then, you convince yourself life is short, and you should go ahead and say it without thinking.
Then you realize, yeah, life is short, but damn I shouldn't just fucking tell everyone about everything I feel.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Random Facts Part II

22. I like to cover my notebooks with magazine cut-outs. Personalizing my stuff makes it more valuable somehow.

23. Most of the time, when I'm lying down I start moving my left foot uncontrollably.

24. When I was younger, I wanted to be a DJ.

25. I strongly dislike the colors orange and brown when put together. Especially on buildings. It makes them look so old fashioned.

26. If I were to have a superpower, I'd like to be able to read people's minds. But only when I want to. Not like... all the time. That would be crazy.

27. I'm scared of seaweed. Stepping on it, swimming above it, swimming around it, you name it. It's terrifying.

28. The only card game I know how to play is hearts, and I'm not even good at it.

29. The only two sports I've ever really practiced are basketball and swimming.

30. Average scare me more than big dogs.

31. I think it's disgusting when people eat refried beans without anything else on them. They're ment to be mixed with meat or something on a taco, not eaten separately!

32. I'm actually pretty good at math if I concentrate, but most of the time I don't.

33. Sometimes I'm mesmerized by the most retarded things on T.V.

34. Computer games can be quite addicting for me.

35. Whenever I push / pull the button to roll the car window up or down, I keep doing it for at least 5 minutes before I can finally stop myself. I do it with every finger, several times, and then I keep trying to do it with my thumb but I can't. I think that's the OCD in me.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Random Facts Part I

1. Some songs can give me chills. I love songs that do that. To me, it's a demonstration of the power of music.

2. I procrastinate as much as possible.

3. I wouldn't mind having all the clothes from American Apparel as my wardrobe and nothing else. I don't care if it's too plain & simple.

4. Learning how to play a piano is something I would like to do. However I think now I'm too old to really commit to it. I know it's wrong to think you're "too old" for something, especially when you're only 18.

5. I wish I could dance. It's an amazing skill.

6. I forgot how to ice skate and how to ride a bike.

7. Sometimes I have to try really hard to hold back my tears during a sad movie. I always succeed, unless I don't feel like stopping myself.

8. I absolutely love Transformers.

9. I hate how my voice sounds on video / phone / recordings.

10. I really have no idea why I'm going to study International Communication. And I hate when people ask me what it's all about, because I really have no idea.

11. I get bored of everything. E-mail accounts, character names, games, clothes, people. So I constantly look for change. Sometimes it makes me really sad, and sometimes very happy.

12. I feel like my fingernails grow faster during vacations.

13. Sometimes it looks like I'm not really paying attention when you're talking to me. That's because I'm not.

14. I can come up with the weirdest stories out of nowhere and make myself laugh, provided I'm telling it to someone else too.

15. I talk to myself when I'm alone. All the time. In English. I also talk to my dog, yell at the toaster, make silly comments at people on T.V., etc.

16. Sometimes I eat A LOT. And sometimes I don't eat anything.

17. Gaining weight is something good for me, so when my jeans get too tight, I smile instead of being sad.

18. While I was reading Twilight, I loved the books. Then I read the ending, it sucked. Then it got extremely overrated. Now I hate Twilight. But I'll still watch the movies cuz I can't decide if Taylor Lautner is hot or not. Haha.

19. I always think about many random facts about me, but I forget them when I'm trying to write them all down.

20. Some of my least favorite phrases are: "It's going to be okay." "Awwww, don't worry." "You poor thing." And anything that shows pity towards me, from other people. My best friend loves saying them to me when I'm feeling down. It doesn't bother me. (:

21. I would do anything for my best friends. Anything.

More to come...

The Old Me Dead & Gone Away

The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone.

Maybe not completely dead because I'm still me, and I will never lose some parts of who I am, but I've changed so much.
At some point in my life, I became unable to fully express my emotions. I keep it all to myself now.
I don't like people to pity me, therefore I had my sadnesss, disappointment & fear. It all builds up inside. But what'll happen when it comes out? I don't wanna know. I might do something terribly stupid, which is a scary thought.
Why can't I tell people that I care about them? Face to face, with words. Even my mom now, I have to take a deep breath and put all my effort into saying "I love you too" whenever she says it to me. Why so much struggle with these words? Why can't they come easy if I truely feel them?
As if that weren't enough, I used to think that in a relationship I was able to transmit all these feelings and let it all go to that special person. Words came easy, and you could see right through me. Now... not so much. Now I'm being cold in every relationship I have. Friends, family, boyfriend, you name it.What's the point of being so numb & cold? Is it a strength or a weakness? Am I protecting myself from something? If so, why? I've never been hurt badly. I guess I don't wanna start now.
I don't wanna look back when I'm old and say: "Why didn't I tell each and every person in my life, that I loved them, when I had the chance, everytime I could?"
I used to be needy & overly-romantic. Now I'm colder & more independent. I thought I'd be doing better if I gained more confidence and independence, so why doesn't it feel right? It feels like I lost even more sensitivity. People around me can only put up with it for so long. What'll happen when everyone gives up on me?

I'm gonna end up all by myself.

I see some people who've remained the same since I met them. How can they do that, when I've changed radically in less than a year? Not all of it has been for the worse, I've learned to appreciate some things more. Although it may not seem like it, I feel like I've outgrown that immature old me.
And I thought I was getting better at making decisions.

So why is it that now, when change is about to come. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore?

The old me is dead and gone.
But that new me will be alright.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The Mall

Ever wondered what's going on in my mind?
No? Well I'm still gonna tell you.

Wow my mom's secret parking place, she says it as a joke but we almost always find a spot to park there. Haha, it's more of a lucky spot than a secret one.
Okay the person who's about to jump in the elevator with us looks like he hasn't had a shower in ages.

Awkward elevator silence with the hobo and that guy who gave me a weird look when I went in.
Okay they got off before we did, two floors of peace & tranquility unless my mom brings something up.

So hungry. I hope there's not too many people at the burger place. Who am I kidding? It's always full, how can we even be hopeful? Haha, we both know we're not gonna end up eating there.
I was right, we're going to that one place... not the famous burger place, but I still always order a British burger there. This time I won't, I'll try something else. Filet mignon. I know it's gonna suck at this place. Meh, I'll order it anyway.

Wow it sucks more than I expected. You call this 3/4? There's fucking blood dripping out of the meat everywhere. Mashed potatoes are okay.

Oh my god, he's insane. Poor old thing. He's lost it.
Hello? Isn't anyone going to assist him? He's holding on to the table, shaking, closing his eyes.
Okay now he's just drinking coffee.
HE'S DOING IT AGAIN! Somebody stop that, it makes me uncomfortable.

I do all my bitching in my brain, my mom likes to make it public.
I don't like it when she's bitchy.
We argue.
Five minutes of awkward silence.
We get over it.

Time to search for some undies for me, the real reason why we came here, haha.
I'm still hungry cuz I didn't eat most of the so called meat. Maybe I'll have some of those mango things covered with spicy stuff, yum!
I found the undies I wanted, but as usual they only have my size in blue. I'll only buy the blue ones for now. I'll buy a black one and a white one later.
I want those mango things now!

Wow, I forgot I wanted the mango things and I bought strawberry gummies, which aren't that great anymore. I really wish I had bought some mango things.

That lady just knocked that glass ornament thing over, stared at it in horror, and ran before anyone could charge her for it. Brilliant.
Wow that other lady looks like Mrs. Waldorf from Gossip Girl, only very sad & old. Or is Mrs. Waldorf also sad & old? She seems pretty happy most of the time... whatever.

Waiting for my mom to come out of the bathroom. Sucks to be that lady in the rollerblades, trying to sell them to people. She looks like a slut. No not even a slut. It's just sad.
Ooh a Ferrari bike. I want one. No, I don't. I can't even ride bikes. I mean I used to, but I forgot. Living proof that that saying is wrong. I'm gonna need a bike in the Netherlands though. But a Ferrari is too much. Holy shit it's worth a lot more than what I sold my car for, haha.

I wanna leave, there's too many people here. I'll just make sure on the way out my mom can't see the shoe places. I'll walk on the side of the stores so I can block her window shopping as much as possible.

A young couple of preps. Both dressed in pink polos. Kinda makes you sick. That girl's weird. I shouldn't go check out the CD's cuz I always want a new one.

Let's just get out of here. It's raining, I left my bedroom window open. Oops.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Summer, kinda lazy.

Well it's summer and school's over. Now what?
For the past couple of weeks I've gone out a few times with friends, and partied a bit, but other than that my life consists of:

- Playing computer games 5 or more hours a day.
- Watching T.V. or movies 3 or more hours a day.
- Drinking 2 or 3 cans of Arizona Green Tea a day.
- Drinking 1 or 2 Vitamin Water bottles a day.
- Eating anything I can find, all day.

Pretty depressing. The worst part is, I know I could do something about it. Go out, make more plans, try something new like I always say but I'm just SO LAZY.

I haven't even had any inspiration for writing on this thing, and I don't even have it now but I'm just writing for the sake of it.

At least I've been reading a bit, here and there, a few short stories and the occasional book.
If anyone has any suggestions on what to do, or any good books they know of, good movies, etc. Please tell me, it'd be much appreciated.

Sunday, May 24, 2009


I love change, and at the same time, I'm scared of it. Big changes are like the first time you have sex. You really want it, but you're scared something might go wrong. Still, change can be good, change is necessary. Change is what has defined us throughout our lives. If we never changed, imagine how boring we would be. With every change comes a lesson, something to be learned, you get smarter, tougher. It can be addictive and make you want to change everything all at once, or it can be too much and make you want to stop and breathe for a second.
As highschool graduates, we're all about to face major changes in our lives. New schools, cities, and friends. It's gonna be really hard at first, but it always is.
I remember when I moved to Mexico City, I had no friends at all. I left them all back in the small town I used to live in; but I was willing to give up that "safe zone" to aim for something bigger. Moving to the big city was my first step towards greater goals. You can't just stay somewhere because it feels comfortable, because you're used to it, and because it's easy. It will only make you lazy and weak. Take risks, and have the initiative to climb higher.
I'm pretty used to my life here in Mexico City now. I love this city, I really do. However, as I said, it was only the first step; I have greater ambitions, I want to see the world, so my next step is to move to the Netherlands. I'll live in a city which is much smaller than Mexico City, it's gonna be hard at first. I like big cities, and whenever I've gone to the Netherlands I feel out of place if the streets are empty or there's no traffic. Yeah, I have a love/hate relationship with all of Mexico's problems. I hate big crowds and noise when I'm on the street, but the second you take it away, I miss it. Sigh.
A part of me is ready to leave, ready to be a college student, doing all sorts of different things, with great responsabilities, living by myself, etc. The other part still says: "Just a few more months please?".
I wish I could just take all of you with me, but we all have different dreams to pursue. I sincerely hope that we all find what we're looking for, and that one day we can see each other again, all together and share our stories.

Saturday, May 9, 2009


Provided I live a healthy life and have no accidents, I can say I've lived about 1/5 of my life now.
I don't want to give it too much thought though.
I don't think I've wasted, but I wouldn't mind re-living it. It's not that I don't want to grow up, but I'm scared of it. I want it, but I'm scared of it.
If this is what it feels at 1/5, I can only imagine what it'll be like when I get to 1/2.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


Last night I only got one hour of sleep. I went into a sudden, but short, depression, while thinking about death. Not my own, because I've realized that I shouldn't be scared of it, but of the ones I love. I thought specifically about my parents.
I was reading the diary my mom started when I was a baby, in just half a notebook she was able to capture several moments of me in my early days. Then it hit me. It hit me like a freakin' airplane on a twin tower, like a tsunami on a tiny crab. My parents aren't always going to be here for me. One day, they will die, and I will have to carry on and keep on living, and it's going to be very hard at first. My parents have always supported me and provided unconditional love, they have never hurt me, and they always want what's best for me. Not everyone can say that, a lot of people have big issues with their parents. I know I'm lucky. We don't have big fights, and we have a pretty good communication going on between each other.
I'm surprised though, that they haven't gone (from what I've seen) into a midlife crisis of some sort though. Just by reading my mom's diary, and my own (which I found shortly after), I got scared. I got scared because my childhood is in the past, and I will never live that again. Did I make the most out of it? I can only hope I did.
But really, back to my parents, what will I do when they're gone? Something I'm very scared of, is being alone, if by then I don't have someone that truly cares about me, I might become something I hate. The worst side of me might stick and destroy the best one due to lack of affection. And then I thought, that it doesn't have to be that way. I can still focus all my love on someone, it could be my husband, yes, but if there'll be a reason why I should keep on going after my parents are no longer with me, it'll be a son or daughter of my own. Yes, it's too soon to think about that, but I had never really thought about children in that way. After last night I realized that love between parents and their kids is the most poweful thing, and one day I would like to feel that.

Another thing I thought, is that I would always like to remember my parents and have them with me. I mean, I'll obviously save thousands of photographs and videos, but I've been thinking. Tattoos something permanent that I'll have with me always, and I don't want to regret getting one because it lacks meaning or because I might get sick of it. I will never regret having the memory of my parents on me, and I will never get sick of it, so I'm thinking, I'll get a tattoo in their honor. Even though they're still with me, I know I want it. I still don't know what it's going to be like, I would like to have an image that represents them on me, more than their names or something. I guess I should just give it more thought, and I'll even ask them what they think.
We should all appreciate our parents at all times, when you're mad at them, think about all they've done for you, and be thankful because no one will ever love you in that way again.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I Died

We didn't know how it happened, but we knew we were dead.
Me and my mom stared outside the window from the huge mansion where we now lived, as ghosts.
Then we realized, even though we could live forever, we wouldn't be able to share the world with real people or feel the sea on our skin if we went to the beach. It wasn't worth it. I told her I would probably only last a few years before I went insane and decided to end it.
Then for some reason, more people appeared in the house. One by one, random friends of mine. Even though it was good to have them, it wasn't the same, knowing we were condemned to this life.

I could still see my other friends, who hadn't died yet, putting flowers on my grave. Then, something incredible happened, it seemed like some of them, who were alive, could actually see me, as a ghost. Some of them were scared, and some of them wanted to talk to me. It was very sad. The saddest thing was when I remembered Patrick, and I realized that now I had to spend eternity without him. I knew there was a way in which us ghosts, could turn living people into our kind, but I couldn't do that to him. No one deserved to live like this. Hidden in a mansion, watching real people go on with their lives. It was the worst fate.

And then I woke up...

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Runaway - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

What are some things that you consider a waste of time? Why?
Worrying about the future. I mean, I do it too, but I know it's a waste of time. It's good to know what you're gonna do further on, but you shouldn't worry about it too much. No one can be sure if they're still going to be alive tomorrow.
Studying useless subjects. Because we all know some of us will never use calculus or heat & electricity in our lives. Exams are also retarded, they should just let us learn what we can, and what we didn't, well, maybe we didn't need it. Exams are purely memory skills, it's retarded.

What feeling do you have the most difficult in expressing?
Uhm, I don't know what the right word might be for it, but I'm pretty bad at showing people I care about them. Except for my boyfriend, I have trouble telling people "I'm there for them" or that I love them. If they say it to me, I probably won't say it back. It's just not in me. I guess they'll figure out one way or another that I do care about them. I like to show it in other ways, like doing little things for them now and then.

How do you think you would handle yourself in a crisis situation?
First I would be freaking out, but also very excited (?). After all of that was gone, I would probably handle things in a very mature way, organize my priorities and stick to them.

How would someone be able to tell if you were happy?
I am able to smile, so that's one thing. I will probably eat more than usual, whistle, do everything faster. Talk a lot, and not be annoyed when people ask me things. I'll probably even sing and dance a little.

If you had the power to shapeshift, what would you turn into first? Why?
My favorite animal, the black panther. Because then I would run across the jungle, and jump through the trees. Nothing can compare to that feeling of freedom.

How often do you cry? What can bring you to tears?
Almost never. Before I met Patrick, I hadn't cried for over a year or two. And it's not that since I met him he's made me unhappy at times, it's the fact that everytime we separate, I can't help ir, and I cry.

What is the best thing about being a male/female?
For starters, I love the male body. It's absolutely amazing, beautiful, and capable of so many things. Being a man can make you feel at times, like a protector, and it's a nice feeling. You don't have to have a girlfriend or a little sister to feel that way, it's just something that comes with being a man. I know it might sound sexist, and I know that there's plenty of women that are stronger than men, but still, we feel stronger, and more capable of dealing with some things. It's a strange feeling of power, which shouldn't be abused.
Females may have a great variety of clothes, but men's clothes are so much better. Maybe I'm also saying a lot of this because I'm attracted to men, but still, we smell better (in my opinion), our arms provide a feeling of security that a woman could never have, etc.
It's good to be us.

Do you enjoy hugging people? Do you enjoy receiving hugs?
Not really. There's only certain people I like to hug. Don't ask me why, they're just huggable. It doesn't always mean I love them more, there's people I love but I just don't like to hug. It's weird, but that's how it works.

What do you feel is your number one flaw? Are you doing anything about it?
I can be very cold, and short-tempered. No I'm not, I embrace it. I know it makes me look like an asshole, but for some reason, I like that part of myself. I like it that there's something in me that's wrong, and that people don't like. I don't wanna be that guy that everyone likes, and who lets people stomp on him whenever they want. I like being that guy that won't tell you nice things just to make you feel better, I wanna be the guy with only a few friends, but good ones. I don't wanna be fake and try to put on a retarded smile and make conversation just to be polite. I like being imperfect. I enjoy every second of it.

What is a talent you wish you possessed?
I really wish I had a natural talent for writing. I like writing, but I make a big effort to do it. I wish it just came naturally. I wish I could write as good as my dad, so I could one day work in something that involves writing. Who knows? Maybe I can continue to develop this skill, and one day it'll be more than a hobbie.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


Paranoia is a thought process characterized by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion.

Been there, done that.
Only a few days ago, when the swine flu epidemic started, I was being paranoid.
I kept watching T.V. for news on this thing, kept looking online for more information about it, I had my iPod touch glued to my hand for the newsfeed about it. And for what? So I could get even more scared and paranoic by every little thing I read?
People make up all sorts of theories, and some of them even say they're experts or that they base what they say in what scientists or government officials said.
Some say it's worst than what you hear in the news, and that they're hiding things so we don't get so scared. Some say it's not as bad as it looks and that we shouldn't worry.
I say this, and you don't have to believe it either but it's just a word of advice.
Don't get obsessed with it. Stop trying to know everything about it, because it's not gonna make any sense when you see everyone has a different opinion about it. Stop being so damn worried. I'm not saying, "go out on the streets and kiss anyone you see!". I've been locked up at home for 5 days, at first it was because I really didn't want to go out. Now it's more because I'm lazy, but I would go out if I had to, being careful of course.
It's not that I think I'm better than everyone else, it's not that I don't believe there's an epidemic. Of course there's one, but don't let it make you go crazy. It's not the end of the world, and if it was, why would you want to spend your last days being worried?
Let it go. Take care. We'll be out on the streets before you know it.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Some Little Pleasures

We all have them, little things that can really make our day. Here are some of mine.

Eating a big bowl of chocolate ice cream
Especially while watching something like Scrubs, 30 Rock, or House on T.V.
It's just so nice & creamy... it melts in your mouth and leaves the most wonderful taste. I really do think the flavour of chocolate can make people happy, through some sort of chemical reaction. I think heard about that somewhere. Anyways, I heart chocolate ice cream.

Mango Tango
It's this amazing drink from "La Buena Tierra" (one of my favorite restaurants) which has mango, orange, strawberry, raspberry, and other stuff in it I can't remember. It's so fresh & delicious, I could seriously not drink anything else for the rest of my life and be happy. If you haven't tried it, you should.

Watching "Mean Girls"
Best comedy ever! The best part is saying all the quotes you can remember throughout the movie while you watch it (although some people find that annoying lol). Everytime I watch it, I learn a new quote, which I will somehow incorporate into my everyday conversation.

Winning at strategy games
Sure I could just say "winning" but everyone loves winning, I want to specify strategy games because whenever I play Starcraft online or Risk and I win, I feel satisfied. Sounds geeky, but it's true, because all the work you put into building your army or whatever has been rewarded. So yeah, everytime I win I get in a really good mood.

Melting things
Childish? Maybe! But it still rules. I find melting things not only fun, but also relaxing. Ever since I was little I liked melting straws together and making figures. Plastic forks, cups, candy wrappings, pens, you name it. I like making the plastic all shiny or giving it a weird shape. The only bad thing is the smell of burnt plastic, oh and the risk of catching on fire.

Listening to John Mayer
No need for a lot of explanation. The guitar, the voice, the lyrics, he's got it all. He really loves music and he transmits that to the people who listen to him. I need to go to one of his concerts! I've mentioned him in this blog already a couple of times I think, but I don't care!

And there's so many other things, but for some reason all I can think about right now is food, like lasagna, krispy kreme doughnuts and Arizona green tea. Just goes to show that it's true that the way through a man's heart is through is stomache.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Got Ink?

I want a tattoo or two. Maybe not right now, but later on, when I know exactly what I want.
I've been doing some research about well known tattoos, and I found two which I like because of their meaning and what they look like.

The Koi Fish

"According to Japanese legend if a koi succeeded in climbing the falls at a point called Dragon Gate on the Yellow River it would be transformed into a dragon. Based on that legend, it became a symbol of worldly aspiration and advancement. "

Tell me that's not a kick-ass meaning for a tattoo. I mean, I think most of us have great ambitions and goals to accomplish, what better way to represent that than through a tattoo which symbolizes advancement.

The Nautical Star

This tattoo comes from sailors and they believed they worked as a "lucky charm" so that sailors could always find their way back home from their long trips. So the meaning is to always be able to go find your way back home.

Pretty nice for someone who wants to travel and live all over the world, but would like to come back home at some point.

I haven't checked a whole lot of tattoos, but I like the meanings these have. There's just one problem.

They're not original at all.

Tons of people have these tattoos, maybe in different designs or body parts, but it's still the same concept.

I want my tattoo to be unique and at the same time to symbolize something very important to me so that I will never regret it or get bored of it. If possible, or if I had enough inspiration I could try to draw it myself. I really don't know. I think I'll keep investigating, but to be honest I think that the idea for my first tattoo is just gonna come to me suddenly, not when I'm looking for it, and then I'll know I'm read for it.

Who knows? Maybe next time I write about tattoos on this blog it'll be to announce my first one.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Snowball Effect?

Have you ever been worried that a little mistake might evolve into something huge?

Like how you can accidently skip a line in one of those exams where you have to fill in circles, and then all of the other answers are gonna be wrong because of that, and then because of you failing that test which you needed to pass to graduate, you don't graduate, then you don't get into the university you wan't, you don't study what you planned to, and you end up working at McDonald's thinking "wow, I need to be more careful when filling out circles".
I have. But I realized this is stupid. Life just doesn't work that way.
Lately I've been worrying a lot about school instead of actually paying attention to it. I'm worried about two subjects which I'm not failing but I'm not exactly getting the best grades in, and if I don't pass them I won't go to Groningen to study this summer. Instead of worrying, I'm gonna start taking action, I need to pay attention in class, do my homework, work hard on my projects, and that way I'll easily pass them and forget about highschool in only one month.
It won't be easy of course. I'm so easily distracted during class. I mean, today I got kicked out for eating my PB&J sandwich, that was bullshit, but I should've known better, it's not like I'm new to the concept of not being able to eat during class... But anyway, I'll get it together, and raise my grades, probably with the help of my friends so I can rest assured that my future in Hanze University Groningen is secure.
I'm actually not very inspired to keep on writing, I wasn't even inspired to begin with, but it's been almost a month and I just had to write something... I was pretty much unplugged from the whole online world but I lived some of the best days of my life this spring break along with the person who owns my heart and I wouldn't have had it any other way. (:

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

White Minimalism

Last night's dream was random & weird. But then again... 95% that's what they're supposed to be.
I'm not gonna try to explain anything, just write down what I remember (cuz it's not so clear) in the right order. The dream was divided in two parts.

First Part

Something happened first but I forgot, next thing I know I'm in some weird classroom with Karla sitting beside me. Sitting right in front is Salvatore (some guy, won't make sense to most people) and we're giggling and talking about him or something. Then we come up with a great prank, to write something on a piece of duct tape like "I'm stupid" or something along those lines. So Karla, I think, pastes it on his left shoulder pretending she's trying to ask him something by tapping on his shoulder, but he obviously notices what we're up to. He flips. He completely redefines the concept of "overreacting" and starts screaming and insulting us. So I get all pissed to and (try not to laugh) ask him if he "wants to take it outside" to which he says yes. But for some reason once outside I'm fighting someone completely different, but the point is I kick his ass badly (I think he almost died or something) and then lots of people were mad at me, but once they saw how cool I was they all wanted to be my friends.
That's all I can remember about the first part.

Second Part

I was living in an appartment with my best friends (I think, or they were just a blur in the background) and we were pretty wealthy. One day (this is where it starts resembling "The Others") a group of people dedicated to home care comes in and starts telling us something like:

"We're part of a very secret and exclusive group of cleaners, who only work for elite businessmen and other wealthy people such as you. It has come to our attention that you might benefit from our services and we're ready to start working here as soon as you take us in."

So for some reason we all decide it's a great idea to have a bunch of weird looking (they're dressed in all white) strangers into our home; but after a while we noticed something wasn't right. They changed all the walls and furniture (the little they didn't destroy) to white, and told us that this was a more modern way of decorating and made the place look cleaner, etc.


Then it gets creepier, they won't let us leave the appartment anymore and it's like they take control of the whole place. I get all desperate and try every way I can think of escaping but to no avail. Finally we decide the only way to end this nightmare is to commit suicide (lol) so we threw ourselves into a gigantic pit which is in the living room (don't ask) and apparently die. But not really. We weren't dead, we just entered the world of these people, where we are some sort of ghosts that still aren't allowed to leave the stupid place. Give me a break, I just killed myself, let me get out. Then I start planning a way out but again, nothing seems to work even with our ghostly powers. So we're condemned to live there forever and do the same to the next people to move in to our appartment. The End.

I know my writing wasn't the best but I'm in a hurry cuz I've got class, and I wanted to write it all before I forgot even more important details. Hope it amused you a bit.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

I'm Not Dead

11 days without a new entry.
I'm disgusted. Hah. No but really, I've been busy as hell. Between school projects, social life & even some hardcore Starcraft gaming, I neglected my little blog for over a week. Time to put an end to that.
I wrote this entry during class at 7 am (half asleep) the other day, so it's probably not too good but it's something for you to read. Here goes nothin'.

So here's a list of all the classes I currently take (& what I think about them):

  • Entrepreneur Spirit - Boring but could be useful.
  • Heat & Electricity - Strongly dislike it & pretty pointless.
  • Philosophy - Whatever, it could be useful.
  • Calculus - It's okay but I'll never use it again.
  • Man & Science - LOVE it and it seems very useful.
  • French IV - Super boring but useful.
  • Social & Economic Structure of Mexico - BARF!! Completely useless & utterly disgusting.
So throughout your life you have to take a bunch of different subjects. I've taken well over 40 different ones in mine. There are some subjects we like, some we dislike, some that'll actually help us, some that are so pointless you feel every hour spent on them is a sucky way to watch one hour of your life drift away.
But what makes a good class good?
In my opinion, there's a mixture of aspects, which are related, that can make you actually look forward to a class.

Having a good teacher
I dare say this is the most important thing in order to have a great class. There are some subjects which we may not like, but if you have a good teacher it'll motivate you to do your best. Such is the case with me and calculus. I hate math, but my teacher's amazing so I do my best and I get pretty good grades. It's too bad we only ever find a couple of good teachers in life.

The subject is useful
If you're sitting through a Heat & Electricity class wondering what the hell you're doing there and when you're ever gonny use it in your life, chances are this point is being missed. The worstpart is when people tell you things like:

"It may not seem useful now but calculus is used in all jobs and even day to day life!"



Go up to your parents and ask them to help you solve your integral calculus homework. They have no idea. Why? Because unless you work in the whole math field you're never gonna need to solve a flippin' integral while doing the groceries or making music. Yes. I hate it when they say math is often used to make music. I don't buy it.

The subject is interesting
Being useful doesn't necesarily mean it's interesting. I know studying French will help me in the future, but it's so lame. I have to try so hard not to fall asleep every class. Also it's still no good if the class is interesting but you have a bad teacher. These things are very co-related. Being interested in a subject can make you write the best essays and actually enjoy doing school work, so that's why this point is also important.

So yeah, these are all the things I consider important for a class to be good. You may agree or disagree, por possibly add more important aspects to my list. I'm just glad this semester's almost over!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Break Your Routine

Today when I got off my bus and began my 15 minute walk home, I was forced to walk on the opposite sidewalk of the one I always walk on (construction & stuff = huge mess around the city). At first I thought "whatever, it's the same thing, maybe it'll even be faster...", but it wasn't the same. I began noticing all sorts of stuff I had never seen before on the other side of the street: a big house with a strange design (for Mexico City at least), fruit stands, two small restaurants, some weird colored buildings I had never noticed before, etc.
The point is, this is just a tiny, simple example of something even greater. You can discover so many things just by changing some things in your life now and then, there's always a chance, an alternative, to break even the strictest routines. Maybe if we tried it more often we wouldn't get so bored of always doing the same thing at the same time. They can be small changes, or big ones. From showering at night instead of in the morning, to moving to another country when an opportunity comes up.
The more you try new things and take chances the more things you can see, learn, hear, etc. And this'll open a world of opportunities, beauty and knowledge for you. So why not give it a try? Starting tomorrow try to change at least one little thing per day, see how you feel about it, and keep trying new things!

Monday, March 9, 2009

What if...?

You shouldn't can't live your life thinking "What if I had done this?", "What if I had gone there?", "What if I had said that?", "Where would I be?", because it will destroy you.
You made the decissions already, what's done is done. It's meant to be that way, not because of destiny... not because of chance... but because you said so, you took the path you're in right now, wether you like it or not. And you will continue to do such things throughout your whole life. There is no escaping decissions. Deciding not to decide is a decission itself. See what I mean?
So why is it so hard for some people, including me at times, to accept the reality they're living?
Is it so hard to see the good things in everything? To see the light at the end of the tunnel?

Let me tell you.

It is.

But don't give up. Never give up. You cannot afford to back down. You can't shut off your brain, you can't evade reality, you can't pretend things aren't happening.

Face your problems, confront your demons, if you're in that kind of situation.
Or rather enjoy your life, the situation you're in right now. Live in the present. Don't look back unless it's to remember the good times. Don't worry about the future, the future doesn't exist and no one assures you it will, for you at least. Go with the flow. Let life take you to places you never imagined. With each step you take you're closer to the end, and it's not about where you're going, it's about the journey and what you make of it.


Sunday, March 8, 2009


No, I couldn't be bothered to come up with a better, more poetic, perhaps deeper, title for this entry.
I just got back home from watching it.
I know it was good, but I don't know what to think of it. I'm still going over a lot of aspects about it and what message they're trying to give me, apart from the obvious. I liked how they showed the different shades of each characters and didn't really portray anyone as a saint or anything.
I liked the acting, a definitely Oscar-worthy Sean Penn, and good interpretations by James Franco... and that other guy... Idk his name to be honest (I'd google it but that wouldn't be right).
So yeah, I really liked it but it's got me in a pensive mood. Argh.

I'm officialy out of ideas, at least for now, maybe I'll add something else later.
But probably not.
Cuz I'm feeling lazy.

Anyway, can't forget some captions with James Franco in them! :D

Saturday, March 7, 2009

The Perfect Gift

If anyone ever wants to give me a present, which is only worth around 20 dollars, and would make me extremely happy then this is it!

I've already told like everyone I know that I want a polaroid instant camera, but no one seems to get the point already. It might be a little hard to find but I'd really love to have one. Not just that model but any model really. But I guess if I don't get one soon... I'll go look for it myself.

Imagine all the pretty pictures I'll take with that beauty! (:

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I proved my theory.

The more you sleep the sleepier you are when you wake up (at 5 am).

I know this because lately I've been getting sleepy at around 9:30 or 10 pm.
And when I go to bed at that time, I get up feeling more like a zombie than a human; whereas when I go to bed at midnight I wake up in a pretty okay mood.


Sunday, March 1, 2009

Can you see them?

I made it when my pen broke and I started playing around with the ink.
According to me, it's a gorilla on the left and a lion on the right.
But some people only see the lion, or nothing at all. No one ever sees the gorilla!
Here's a picture of both of them, and an individual one to try to explain where I see these animals.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Bangkok & Mumbai

It's only 9:55 pm but I'm already falling asleep, since last night I barely got some rest from 2:30 am to 5:00 am. Thanks Social & Economic Structure of Mexico class! Chances are this entry's gonna suck cuz I can't write in this state (or even read what I'm typing) but still, I have to mention two things real quick.
First of all. OMG I loved Slumdog Millionaire, I'm adding it to my favorites on facebook and myspace as I write this. It's like... amazing. The cinematography & music were excellent in my opinion & I wouldn't mind going to see it again. I really recommend it, no wonder it won 8 Oscars! Now the next one in line to watch is Milk, can't wait!


Right now my dad's in Bangkok, and he sent me some cool pictures of what there is to see over there. This temple looks sweet! After seeing this, plus Slumdog Millionaire, I'm all set for going to South East Asia anytime. No really, I'd love to visit that area someday.


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Lack of Inspiration & Time

Is why it took so long before I wrote another entry.
Warning: I still don't feel like I have any inspiration.
& I had to MAKE time (goodbye homework) to write this.

The only thing that comes to mind right now, and the only thing that doesn't have to do with school, is watching movies.
I made a list of "Movies I Have To See" while I was watching the Academy Awards the other day, which I really liked by the way.
Here's what I wanna see, in the order I wanna see them:

  • Slumdog Millionaire
  • Milk
  • The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
  • The Doubt
  • Vicky Cristina Barcelona
  • Happy-Go-Lucky
Yeah I know, the first four were like the most important ones at the awards and I haven't even seen them, but looking at all the Oscars they won made me even more excited. Obviously I don't have time to watch them all for now... but I'll start with Slumdog Millionaire this Friday and take it from there. Milk isn't even out here yet.


On a more personal note.
School's driving me crazy. I don't know how some people do it, I don't even work that hard and I still get very tired. If it wasn't for my wonderful, hard working friends, which I sometimes take advantage of, I dunno where I'd be. But about taking advantage, I am sorry. I wanna say "you guys need to push me so I do stuff" but no... that would only make it worse. So I don't know... you'll have to put up with me just a little longer, c'mon, we're almost done with highschool. I'll pay back every single thing you do for me at school in hugs & lots of loveeee.
I'll be taking the TOEFL on April 3rd. One of the days Patrick is here. Ugh. Lame. And I need to get those recommendation letters!
I wanna get the whole University thing overwith already.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Damn Koreans & Japanese

I just found this site today that has a few online multiplayer games. One of these games consists of a big blackboard where different "guests" can come and draw whatever they want, simultaneously. This is pretty cool because you get to see what other people draw + their different styles, and man let me tell you, those asians are so damn good, they made my drawings look like shit but I don't care. I'm still having a blast... Me & Patrick where there for a few hours, in a more "private" room (there's 10 rooms) drawing stuff and guessing what it was, like Pictionary or whatever it's called.
So yeah, it's creative & fun, you should check it out.

Here's some artwork from multiple guests.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Deep inside of you, there's a ruby glow.
And it gets brighter than you & I will ever know.

There's a rushing sound, that surrounds us, when we walk alone.
And it's everything we've never known.

Wander down the street.
And I will be the pavement beneath your feet.