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Moving on with our lives is something that seems very automatic, but when you really analyze it you see it's much more complicated. Did you slowly give up things you liked and changed them for new things? Maybe it's for the best. We're supposed to change during time right? We can't always stay the same. But we when you really think about where you are now, and where you were 5 or 10 years ago... it can really get to you.

Last night I was up at 4 or 5 a.m. thinking about this. Only a few years ago I was living in the small town of Cuernavaca with my mom. Life seemed so simple and easy. My life was school and computer games mostly. Things like food or laundry were never of any concern to me, I had it all easy. I spent a lot of time at home and subsequently with my mom. I had a small group of friends.

Now, everything has changed. I'm living in the Netherlands, in a room, by myself. I don't see my mother at all except through Skype, although I do get to see my dad every weekend or so. Food and laundry are things I have to take care of myself, as well as many other issues that involve more and more paperwork and 'adult stuff'.

Sometimes I wonder, would it ever be possible to go back? You know, just go back to the start. Move back to Cuernavaca in a few years, with my mom. Back to the safe and comfort of home. Would it be possible to do that? If so, how unhealthy would that be? It would probably set me back a lot. But it's a nice though when you're being so nostalgic, thinking: "My childhood is over and soon my teenager days will be long gone too..."

I'm still very scared of not living my life to the fullest sometimes. Of not getting it right the first time, and of doing something and then finding out I didn't want that in the end... Of course I can't live in fear, but it just gets to me sometimes you know?

Only sometimes...

Ride With Me

So I'm sitting here on a train from Leiden to Groningen, it takes about three hours from placer to the other, and I'm wondering why I never wrote about this, considering I'm always riding trains from one city to another, it seems obvious to tell you what the train experience in the Netherlands is all about. So here it is, my thoughts during a long train ride:

Alright, as I write this, announcements are being made about the stops and connections. Of course, these announcements are all in dutch, except when you're arriving at the airport, so I never know what the person is going on about. We could be on our way to Bosnia, and I'd just be sitting there with a smile on my face. :)

Naturally, unless you're some sort of pervert, you'll want to travel without anyone unknown beside you. On some train rides this is possible, but in long ones, such as this one, it's most definitely not.

Right now I'm sitting next to this man who might or might not be a teacher, but by the look of his powerpoint presentations he could be teaching some sort of really advanced medical stuff.

There's already some people standing beside me. Poor things couldn't get a seat and there's still more than ninety minutes left before we get there.

Some read magazines, others newspapers, or the latest bestsellers. A large number of students, like me, do their school readings. I still haven't mastered this ability, I always tend to fall asleep after a while. Some people just stare. They stare at the person in front, if they know them, or at least I hope they know each other, otherwise that would be very annoying.

Personally, when I'm not doing homework on the train, I like to have a little snack, listen to music, update twitter and look around to see what everyone's doing, maybe make up stories about them in my mind. But that's just me.

Some people take interest in me, they stare at my hand and pen moving quickly over the paper. Maybe they're curious as to why I write after looking around, maybe they want to read this; but considering my handwriting isn't getting any better, I doubt they can.

I wonder how many stories could be told about what happens on the trains. How many people met the love of their here. How many ran into an old high-school friend, had a terrible accident, saw the most beautiful full moon or found enough time to reevaluate their lives and decide to change.

And as this train gets closer and closer to it's destination, I can't help but wonder how many miles I will travel on it. How many hours I will spend here. How many stories I will have to tell by the end of my time here.

Don't Stop This Train

No I'm not colorblind

I know the world is black and white

Try to keep an open mind

But I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train

I want to get off

And go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in

I know I can't

But honestly, won't someone this train?

Don't know how else to say it

Don't want to see my parents go

One generation's length away

From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train

I want to get off

And go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in

I know I can't

But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older

I'm only good at being young

So I play the numbers game

To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man

Said "help me understand"

He said "turn sixty-eight"

"You'll renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train

Don't for a minute change the place you're in

And don't think I couldn't ever understand

I tried my hand

John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in a while, when it's good

It'll feel like it should

And they're all still around

And you're still safe and sound

And you don't miss a thing

Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark

Singing

Stop this train

I want to get off

And go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in

I know I can't

Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

This song pretty much describes exactly how I feel lately.

My life is going by extremely fast. I feel like I've been here for a long time.

I miss my country already. I miss the people over there. Thoughts come to mind every night. I'm thinking: 'Will I ever find friends that can compare to those I've made in the last few years?'

I don't know. I hope so. Throughout my life I've changed friends several times because of switching schools or cities, and I always lose contact. This time it's different. Some people say the friends you make in highschool are truly your friends forever. I hope so.

Sometimes I feel like I'm having the time of my life here. Others, I'm miserable. Or I simply feel out of place. Adjusting is slow, but I'll get there. And though at times I may think to myself: 'Why am I here? I should be back in my country, I'm not going to be able to stay here for four years.' I know that I'm here for a reason, I'm here to learn, and learn I will. It's already started, and I couldn't stop the train even if I wanted to, so it's time to enjoy the ride.