Monday, June 22, 2009

Random Facts Part II

22. I like to cover my notebooks with magazine cut-outs. Personalizing my stuff makes it more valuable somehow.

23. Most of the time, when I'm lying down I start moving my left foot uncontrollably.

24. When I was younger, I wanted to be a DJ.

25. I strongly dislike the colors orange and brown when put together. Especially on buildings. It makes them look so old fashioned.

26. If I were to have a superpower, I'd like to be able to read people's minds. But only when I want to. Not like... all the time. That would be crazy.

27. I'm scared of seaweed. Stepping on it, swimming above it, swimming around it, you name it. It's terrifying.

28. The only card game I know how to play is hearts, and I'm not even good at it.

29. The only two sports I've ever really practiced are basketball and swimming.

30. Average scare me more than big dogs.

31. I think it's disgusting when people eat refried beans without anything else on them. They're ment to be mixed with meat or something on a taco, not eaten separately!

32. I'm actually pretty good at math if I concentrate, but most of the time I don't.

33. Sometimes I'm mesmerized by the most retarded things on T.V.

34. Computer games can be quite addicting for me.

35. Whenever I push / pull the button to roll the car window up or down, I keep doing it for at least 5 minutes before I can finally stop myself. I do it with every finger, several times, and then I keep trying to do it with my thumb but I can't. I think that's the OCD in me.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Random Facts Part I

1. Some songs can give me chills. I love songs that do that. To me, it's a demonstration of the power of music.

2. I procrastinate as much as possible.

3. I wouldn't mind having all the clothes from American Apparel as my wardrobe and nothing else. I don't care if it's too plain & simple.

4. Learning how to play a piano is something I would like to do. However I think now I'm too old to really commit to it. I know it's wrong to think you're "too old" for something, especially when you're only 18.

5. I wish I could dance. It's an amazing skill.

6. I forgot how to ice skate and how to ride a bike.

7. Sometimes I have to try really hard to hold back my tears during a sad movie. I always succeed, unless I don't feel like stopping myself.

8. I absolutely love Transformers.

9. I hate how my voice sounds on video / phone / recordings.

10. I really have no idea why I'm going to study International Communication. And I hate when people ask me what it's all about, because I really have no idea.

11. I get bored of everything. E-mail accounts, character names, games, clothes, people. So I constantly look for change. Sometimes it makes me really sad, and sometimes very happy.

12. I feel like my fingernails grow faster during vacations.

13. Sometimes it looks like I'm not really paying attention when you're talking to me. That's because I'm not.

14. I can come up with the weirdest stories out of nowhere and make myself laugh, provided I'm telling it to someone else too.

15. I talk to myself when I'm alone. All the time. In English. I also talk to my dog, yell at the toaster, make silly comments at people on T.V., etc.

16. Sometimes I eat A LOT. And sometimes I don't eat anything.

17. Gaining weight is something good for me, so when my jeans get too tight, I smile instead of being sad.

18. While I was reading Twilight, I loved the books. Then I read the ending, it sucked. Then it got extremely overrated. Now I hate Twilight. But I'll still watch the movies cuz I can't decide if Taylor Lautner is hot or not. Haha.

19. I always think about many random facts about me, but I forget them when I'm trying to write them all down.

20. Some of my least favorite phrases are: "It's going to be okay." "Awwww, don't worry." "You poor thing." And anything that shows pity towards me, from other people. My best friend loves saying them to me when I'm feeling down. It doesn't bother me. (:

21. I would do anything for my best friends. Anything.

More to come...

The Old Me Dead & Gone Away

The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone.

Maybe not completely dead because I'm still me, and I will never lose some parts of who I am, but I've changed so much.
At some point in my life, I became unable to fully express my emotions. I keep it all to myself now.
I don't like people to pity me, therefore I had my sadnesss, disappointment & fear. It all builds up inside. But what'll happen when it comes out? I don't wanna know. I might do something terribly stupid, which is a scary thought.
Why can't I tell people that I care about them? Face to face, with words. Even my mom now, I have to take a deep breath and put all my effort into saying "I love you too" whenever she says it to me. Why so much struggle with these words? Why can't they come easy if I truely feel them?
As if that weren't enough, I used to think that in a relationship I was able to transmit all these feelings and let it all go to that special person. Words came easy, and you could see right through me. Now... not so much. Now I'm being cold in every relationship I have. Friends, family, boyfriend, you name it.What's the point of being so numb & cold? Is it a strength or a weakness? Am I protecting myself from something? If so, why? I've never been hurt badly. I guess I don't wanna start now.
I don't wanna look back when I'm old and say: "Why didn't I tell each and every person in my life, that I loved them, when I had the chance, everytime I could?"
I used to be needy & overly-romantic. Now I'm colder & more independent. I thought I'd be doing better if I gained more confidence and independence, so why doesn't it feel right? It feels like I lost even more sensitivity. People around me can only put up with it for so long. What'll happen when everyone gives up on me?

I'm gonna end up all by myself.

I see some people who've remained the same since I met them. How can they do that, when I've changed radically in less than a year? Not all of it has been for the worse, I've learned to appreciate some things more. Although it may not seem like it, I feel like I've outgrown that immature old me.
And I thought I was getting better at making decisions.

So why is it that now, when change is about to come. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore?

The old me is dead and gone.
But that new me will be alright.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The Mall

Ever wondered what's going on in my mind?
No? Well I'm still gonna tell you.

Wow my mom's secret parking place, she says it as a joke but we almost always find a spot to park there. Haha, it's more of a lucky spot than a secret one.
Okay the person who's about to jump in the elevator with us looks like he hasn't had a shower in ages.

Awkward elevator silence with the hobo and that guy who gave me a weird look when I went in.
Okay they got off before we did, two floors of peace & tranquility unless my mom brings something up.

So hungry. I hope there's not too many people at the burger place. Who am I kidding? It's always full, how can we even be hopeful? Haha, we both know we're not gonna end up eating there.
I was right, we're going to that one place... not the famous burger place, but I still always order a British burger there. This time I won't, I'll try something else. Filet mignon. I know it's gonna suck at this place. Meh, I'll order it anyway.

Wow it sucks more than I expected. You call this 3/4? There's fucking blood dripping out of the meat everywhere. Mashed potatoes are okay.

Oh my god, he's insane. Poor old thing. He's lost it.
Hello? Isn't anyone going to assist him? He's holding on to the table, shaking, closing his eyes.
Okay now he's just drinking coffee.
HE'S DOING IT AGAIN! Somebody stop that, it makes me uncomfortable.

I do all my bitching in my brain, my mom likes to make it public.
I don't like it when she's bitchy.
We argue.
Five minutes of awkward silence.
We get over it.

Time to search for some undies for me, the real reason why we came here, haha.
I'm still hungry cuz I didn't eat most of the so called meat. Maybe I'll have some of those mango things covered with spicy stuff, yum!
I found the undies I wanted, but as usual they only have my size in blue. I'll only buy the blue ones for now. I'll buy a black one and a white one later.
I want those mango things now!

Wow, I forgot I wanted the mango things and I bought strawberry gummies, which aren't that great anymore. I really wish I had bought some mango things.

That lady just knocked that glass ornament thing over, stared at it in horror, and ran before anyone could charge her for it. Brilliant.
Wow that other lady looks like Mrs. Waldorf from Gossip Girl, only very sad & old. Or is Mrs. Waldorf also sad & old? She seems pretty happy most of the time... whatever.

Waiting for my mom to come out of the bathroom. Sucks to be that lady in the rollerblades, trying to sell them to people. She looks like a slut. No not even a slut. It's just sad.
Ooh a Ferrari bike. I want one. No, I don't. I can't even ride bikes. I mean I used to, but I forgot. Living proof that that saying is wrong. I'm gonna need a bike in the Netherlands though. But a Ferrari is too much. Holy shit it's worth a lot more than what I sold my car for, haha.

I wanna leave, there's too many people here. I'll just make sure on the way out my mom can't see the shoe places. I'll walk on the side of the stores so I can block her window shopping as much as possible.

A young couple of preps. Both dressed in pink polos. Kinda makes you sick. That girl's weird. I shouldn't go check out the CD's cuz I always want a new one.

Let's just get out of here. It's raining, I left my bedroom window open. Oops.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Summer, kinda lazy.

Well it's summer and school's over. Now what?
For the past couple of weeks I've gone out a few times with friends, and partied a bit, but other than that my life consists of:

- Playing computer games 5 or more hours a day.
- Watching T.V. or movies 3 or more hours a day.
- Drinking 2 or 3 cans of Arizona Green Tea a day.
- Drinking 1 or 2 Vitamin Water bottles a day.
- Eating anything I can find, all day.

Pretty depressing. The worst part is, I know I could do something about it. Go out, make more plans, try something new like I always say but I'm just SO LAZY.

I haven't even had any inspiration for writing on this thing, and I don't even have it now but I'm just writing for the sake of it.

At least I've been reading a bit, here and there, a few short stories and the occasional book.
If anyone has any suggestions on what to do, or any good books they know of, good movies, etc. Please tell me, it'd be much appreciated.