Saturday, October 10, 2009


Am I supposed to be here? Wait. Maybe that's not the best question. Maybe things aren't supposed to be one way or another. What I mean is... is being here my best option in life at the moment? Could I be doing something else that makes me feel more fulfilled? Would I be more productive if I was somewhere else? Is this career really what I want?

I'm full of uncertainty, and it's making me sick. It was a huge effort to come all the way to the Netherlands to study, not only for me but for my parents. It continues to be a non-stop effort from them, financially and emotionally even... with my mom being all alone back in Mexico for example. I'm scared to see that maybe this is not what I wanted after all. Just the thought of me actually doubting and writing this right now seems like such a huge failure.

Is it really that I don't feel like this study is for me? Or is it just me, who's not able to adapt, doesn't feel at home and is starting to miss everything and everyone. Should I stay a little longer and see what happens or fix this possible 'mistake' as fast as possible so it doesn't grow into something bigger?

I have so many questions and I can't see or hear answers anywhere. Maybe I should talk about this with my parents? But I'm scared. I don't wanna let them down, but I also don't wanna go on living in uncertainty... I wanna do something that makes me feel complete! I wanna feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, being wherever I'm meant to be. I wanna do what I love. But what is it?

No comments:

Post a Comment