Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Old Me Dead & Gone Away

The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone.

Maybe not completely dead because I'm still me, and I will never lose some parts of who I am, but I've changed so much.
At some point in my life, I became unable to fully express my emotions. I keep it all to myself now.
I don't like people to pity me, therefore I had my sadnesss, disappointment & fear. It all builds up inside. But what'll happen when it comes out? I don't wanna know. I might do something terribly stupid, which is a scary thought.
Why can't I tell people that I care about them? Face to face, with words. Even my mom now, I have to take a deep breath and put all my effort into saying "I love you too" whenever she says it to me. Why so much struggle with these words? Why can't they come easy if I truely feel them?
As if that weren't enough, I used to think that in a relationship I was able to transmit all these feelings and let it all go to that special person. Words came easy, and you could see right through me. Now... not so much. Now I'm being cold in every relationship I have. Friends, family, boyfriend, you name it.What's the point of being so numb & cold? Is it a strength or a weakness? Am I protecting myself from something? If so, why? I've never been hurt badly. I guess I don't wanna start now.
I don't wanna look back when I'm old and say: "Why didn't I tell each and every person in my life, that I loved them, when I had the chance, everytime I could?"
I used to be needy & overly-romantic. Now I'm colder & more independent. I thought I'd be doing better if I gained more confidence and independence, so why doesn't it feel right? It feels like I lost even more sensitivity. People around me can only put up with it for so long. What'll happen when everyone gives up on me?

I'm gonna end up all by myself.

I see some people who've remained the same since I met them. How can they do that, when I've changed radically in less than a year? Not all of it has been for the worse, I've learned to appreciate some things more. Although it may not seem like it, I feel like I've outgrown that immature old me.
And I thought I was getting better at making decisions.

So why is it that now, when change is about to come. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore?

The old me is dead and gone.
But that new me will be alright.


  1. dooon
    yo siempre estare ahi para ti pase lo que pase
    de verdad.
    por otro lado cuando viene un cambio grande en tu vida, como el que estas a punto de dar, es necesario hacernos mas autosuficientes, creo que no esque te estres protegiendo de algo en especial,o que le tengas miedo a algo si no es la manera de responder, cuando las aguas se calmen veras para atras y a lo mejor esto es lo mas sano
    chace y nada de que lo que diga tiene sentido pero ya es la hora
    te quieroo

  2. ^^ pues ya ni se que pedo con mi vida, pero ni modo. asi es esto.

  3. Eric, I'll never give up on you. I tried once but I couldn't do it. (You know what I'm talking about..well it wasn't like that but haha it's somewhere in between)
    This year our friendship has become stronger and bigger in a way.. and I really like how things are between us, even though you sometimes make fun of me more than usual haha, but like your mom says, it's prolly the way you show me that you care. :)
    Change is an important part of our lives and I'm sure that the new you will be ten times better. I just want to let you know that I'll be there. whenever you need me. :)

    teqierodemasiado. :)