Unstoppable

Lately, so many people have been asking me the same question over and over.

'How do you feel?'

And I never know what to answer. I always say 'I don't know...' or 'I'm feeling so many things it's hard to tell'.

But now, it's hit me. I'm really leaving. I'm gonna be in the Netherlands in a few hours, and I'm gonna start a new life there. And how do I feel? I'm scared shitless. Sure I'm excited, happy, nervous, thrilled, etc. But right now, I'm mostly scared.

Why am I scared?

Ever since I was little I wanted to get out of Mexico and see the world. This opportunity I have right now... I can't just let it slip away. It's a chance to fulfill my dream. However I'm scared. I'm scared that chasing this dream is destroying everything else. What if by chasing it, I'm missing out on the things that are truly important? I can't keep on leaving the ones I love behind. I mean... I know I'm still gonna be in touch and I'll never forget them but damn... I wish I could take them all with me. It's hard to keep going if you feel like you're alone. And that's what I will be... at least at first, at least physically... alone.

So I'm scared. But I'll deal with it, like I always do. With the help of the people closest to me. Because I know I'll always have my family & friends backing me up every step of the way. Because I've set my mind to it, and because once I do that,

I am unstoppable.

Issues

If there's something I regret in my life right now, and I probably will even more when I'm older, it's missing out on so many things because of my fear of rejection and sometimes ridicule.

When I was little I remember I was leaving my grandparents' place and saying goodbye to everyone, then I enthusiastically leaned towards my aunt with my cheek up high to give & receive a goodbye kiss but she didn't see me. I just stood there with my eyes closed, on my tiptoes, just to realize no one was gonna answer that kiss and I felt pretty god damn stupid. That was the first of many experiences to come.

Everyday I see people, such as my friends interacting with others in ways that I have never tried, because I don't feel comfortable doing so, because if I try doing that I feel fake, like I'm acting. Some examples are: the way some of my friends interact with little kids, or how good they are at small talk with others' parents. Even though I absolutely adore my nephew Santiago, I just sit and watch him do stuff, follow him around and laugh with him, but I'm never able to start talking to him like others and ask in a retarded playful tone: 'What are you doing Santi?' or 'Is that you're robot? Wow it's so cool! And it's red! Wow!'. That's simply not me. Some of my friends could talk to my parents for hours even back in elementary school, and be so nice and polite that it sickened me. Even though it's not like me to do that stuff, and in some cases, it sickens me to see people do that, I'm still jealous of these abilities and I wish I had them sometimes. Why? Well simply because there's a lot to be learned from everyone, especially your elders. If I was able to open up more with my grandfather, I think I could learn a lot from him, but every time I'm left alone with him we just sit in this deep, awkward silence until somebody else comes.

So yeah, I like being myself, including the bad parts of it, but sometimes I wish I could let go of these issues for a while so I could give people a chance to get to know me, and so I could have the opportunity to learn more from them.

Broken Strings

You can't play on broken strings.

You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel.

I can't tell you something that ain't real.

This is exactly how I feel right now.

It's hard to accept when something so good is suddenly over. Some people can't. Some people lie to themselves for years and hold on to their past, because it's all there's left to love. I refuse to do that, and so I chose to be honest with myself and my partner, and show how I really feel.

Is it possible to just fall out of love? I don't know. I don't know if that's what happened to me. All I know is somewhere along the road, I gradually lost that warm feeling I used to get, and the excitement to get home for another talk. There's no particular reason. It's definitely not his fault.

In fact, sometimes I feel like it's mine, but really I can't put my finger on why it happened. I don't know who or what to blame. Time & distance? Perhaps. But perhaps not. Maybe we both changed too much. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be.

All I know is that I'll treasure every moment I had while it was still good. I'll never forget every lesson learned, and I'll never, ever, regret a single thing we did together because honestly he's a really great guy and any other boy would be lucky to have him.

We will remain friends. Even if right now it's hard & awkward. We'll work past it eventually. I want to keep him in my life, and for what I understand so does he.

We have learned and grown so much from this, but now... it's time for us to go back to our own projects and pursuit other dreams. Nevertheless we'll always be there for each other, for we have gained a true friendship from this.

Sometimes you feel the urge to say something.

Then, you convince yourself life is short, and you should go ahead and say it without thinking.

Then you realize, yeah, life is short, but damn I shouldn't just fucking tell everyone about everything I feel.