Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Rook

I do believe I have been in love. Though I could be wrong. Either way, it felt good. But being single again isn't bad at all. I can be just as happy when I'm single. I missed the sense of freedom I used to have, and now it's back and I don't feel like letting it go for a while.
The thing is though... I think I'm scared to fall for someone again. I don't wanna be a fool for anybody, I don't wanna have to get tangled up again just to see that it doesn't work out in the end, and go through all the pain once more.
I guess in a way, it's like getting a rook piercing. It looks so pretty but it hurts so much that if it fell out, you'd have to think twice if it's worth going through all the pain just to put it back on.
In time, I think I'll obviously be able to get over this and find someone, but what if I'm not careful and I accidently just start doing the things I do. Feeling lonely, especially now that I'll live by myself, wishing I had someone. It would be a mistake to look for someone just to fill that hole. Because that hole belongs to my friends & family who aren't here for me, not for someone who I'd be in a relationship with. It would be like trying to fit the square into the circle hole in one of those kid's toys. It just won't do.
Avoiding this type of mistake seems pretty easy to me, all in all. There's just one thing. One person. Every time we speak, it happens again. Shiny eyes, almost drooling, trying to think of the next clever thing to say and always talking too much. Always trying to impress, but looking like a fool. Will I ever get over him? Or is it just that I shouldn't give up on it?
It seems to me like I should. It's no use right now. I have four years of nothing but dutchdutchdutch. No time to daydream about this right now.
I'll just distract myself as I have before. I have enough on my hands to keep me busy.