Saturday, October 31, 2009

I Could Definitely Use Somebody

Everybody seems to have someone. At least one person, one friend they can just talk to, hang out, and eat with. I talk to some people. I hang out with some others. And I eat with a few more. But I don't have somebody there for me. And it's really starting to get to me.
I have adapted. I can ride a bike. I embrace the few hours of sunlight I have. I wash my own clothes, cook my own food and shop for groceries. But I still can't find my place here in terms of people.
It takes a great deal of effort for me and quite a lot of time to trust someone. To feel connected to someone. Not even in a romantic way, just in terms of friendship. I wish I already had someone I could go to at 3 am in the morning, knock on their door and talk about things that are troubling me. But I don't.
Sometimes I feel great, I'm very positive and I smile at strangers on the streets. But I can't put up that happy face all the time, it takes energy, and it can't just be fueled on happy thoughts. There has to be some actual happy things happening to me if I want to remain positive. I don't want the sadness to overcome me. But I don't know what I should do, it's not a matter of rushing things.
I just want someone that'll watch a movie in my room with me, eat what I cook, cook for me, take me out shopping, or simply welcome me in their room whenever I knock with no specific reason. I just need a friend. A real friend.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


I was just watching Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, a very weird, trippy movie that involves being able to get stuff done to your brain to erase memories of people. Or something like that. Anyway, as I stopped myself from vomiting over the extremely confusing scenes, a thought came to my mind.

What would life be without memory?

Like, what if there was no such thing as recording experiences in your brain? You just go through life living for every second that's coming, one after another. You don't have any friends, no family, and certainly no lover. (Well first of all the world as we know it wouldn't exist, but just try to picture it).

Would we just be ghosts roaming the planet with no purpose? Or perhaps savages that only care about our basic instincts... Would we appreciate the beauty of nature, or beauty of any kind for that matter? Would the concept of beauty even exist? Would any concept exist? What would we live for?

We wouldn't have to look back, but I can't see how we would be able to look forward. You're just looking at what's in front of you. Would we feel empty? Would we feel like something is missing? Or maybe we would never know the difference. That would just be how we are, how could it be strange? You can't miss something that was never there to begin with.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


Am I supposed to be here? Wait. Maybe that's not the best question. Maybe things aren't supposed to be one way or another. What I mean is... is being here my best option in life at the moment? Could I be doing something else that makes me feel more fulfilled? Would I be more productive if I was somewhere else? Is this career really what I want?

I'm full of uncertainty, and it's making me sick. It was a huge effort to come all the way to the Netherlands to study, not only for me but for my parents. It continues to be a non-stop effort from them, financially and emotionally even... with my mom being all alone back in Mexico for example. I'm scared to see that maybe this is not what I wanted after all. Just the thought of me actually doubting and writing this right now seems like such a huge failure.

Is it really that I don't feel like this study is for me? Or is it just me, who's not able to adapt, doesn't feel at home and is starting to miss everything and everyone. Should I stay a little longer and see what happens or fix this possible 'mistake' as fast as possible so it doesn't grow into something bigger?

I have so many questions and I can't see or hear answers anywhere. Maybe I should talk about this with my parents? But I'm scared. I don't wanna let them down, but I also don't wanna go on living in uncertainty... I wanna do something that makes me feel complete! I wanna feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, being wherever I'm meant to be. I wanna do what I love. But what is it?

Friday, October 9, 2009

Today Is The Best Day Of My Life

Okay, maybe it's not. That's not the point. The point is, life is what you make of it. Life is not so much about what happens to you, but more about how you react to it. What's your attitude towards life?
You don't need a reason, just wake up one day and have a positive attitude. You'll see how when you do this, it's harder for things to bring you down. Waiting in line is not so bad, missing your bus isn't the end of the world.
Think about how lucky you already are by just being here. Think about all the things you are able to do. If somethings doesn't work out, try something else. Life is full of possibilities and opportunities. Don't be afraid to risk now and then. Having a positive attitude affects not only yourself but also others in a good way. Spread the love.
Smile at the sight of a cloudy gray day. Say thank you to the grumpy bus driver. Give directions to a lost student. Help an old lady with her groceries. Make love life.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

In My Dreams... I'm A Killer

I need to write about my dream because it's already starting to fade away and it was pretty good so I believe I should share it with you. I don't remember too much about the first part but I remember when all the action started:

I was lying on a bed in a hotel looking at a T.V. that was turned off, holding something that looked like a huge machine gun combined
with a rocket launcher. Suddenly out of nowhere I think some sort of alarm went off, or an explosion was heard, but I jump off the bed, through the window, and I'm now sitting inside a huge tank. There are other people there, telling me who the enemy is and that I should shoot at them. So, for some reason, the enemy tank starts flying away as it it were a chopper, I lift the cannon and try to shoot it before it gets away but I miss it by a couple of meters. Then I get off the tank, wielding my machine-gun-rocket-launcher, and it seems like I'm somewhere like the Zócalo in Mexico, but with a lot of tanks all around me. I see another enemy tank in the distance, then I realize my weapon has this 'lock-on-target' sort of function, so I turn it on and aim at the tank, when I'm locked on the tank I shoot without thinking twice. This missile comes out of my gun, making a very loud noise and swirling through the air leaving a trace of smoke behind it. It gets to the tank and then a huge explosion comes, followed by a lot of dust spreading everywhere and people screaming and running away from the whole mess. That's when I realize "Holy shit, I think I could've just killed a bunch of people, what am I doing? And I'm running around with this huge gun, someone's gonna see me and know it's me and shoot me...". So I keep running, all the streets are chaotic, I get to this one street where it seems like some guy and two girls are trying to rob another girl, and there's people staring at what's happening. Now, for some reason, one of them is a friend from high school (Julieta) and she also has a gun, but unlike real life, she's being very aggressive and tells me to help her save the girl. So again, without any shame, I lift up my huge gun, now using the machine gun function, and proceed to shoot at the 'bad guys'. For some reason my bullets came out more as a squirt of water than actual bullets, but it seemed to work because I ended up getting rid of two of the thieves and as the third one was approaching me, I used the rocket function of the gun and fired right at her, this time my gun shot out what seemed to be a huge needle, and I don't wanna tell you what happened next... too graphic.


Anyways, after that I started having another moral breakdown, I was now running along with my oldest friend from kindergarden, Aclaina, and we go by some police cars so I get extremely nervous. Fortunately there was a river nearby so we jump inside, clean the weapon so no fingerprints can be found and let it sink in the river. Then we catch up with our 'team' or at least that's who I think they were, and we sit at one of these big round white tables, like the ones they usually use for weddings, and talk about what the hell just happened. Then Godric, from True Blood appears (woot!) and for some reason he had been one of my rivals all along (not the enemy, but someone from my team who I strongly disliked) and he's teasing me about what I did and whatnot. Then comes the funny ending of the dream, because I ask Godric "Are you some sort of faggot or something?" and then I proceed to pull him towards me, and we make out. (epic win!)

So that was this night's dream, quite different from anything I can remember. What do you think? Ever had dreams where you're some sort of crazy killer?