Change

I love change, and at the same time, I'm scared of it. Big changes are like the first time you have sex. You really want it, but you're scared something might go wrong. Still, change can be good, change is necessary. Change is what has defined us throughout our lives. If we never changed, imagine how boring we would be. With every change comes a lesson, something to be learned, you get smarter, tougher. It can be addictive and make you want to change everything all at once, or it can be too much and make you want to stop and breathe for a second.
As highschool graduates, we're all about to face major changes in our lives. New schools, cities, and friends. It's gonna be really hard at first, but it always is.
I remember when I moved to Mexico City, I had no friends at all. I left them all back in the small town I used to live in; but I was willing to give up that "safe zone" to aim for something bigger. Moving to the big city was my first step towards greater goals. You can't just stay somewhere because it feels comfortable, because you're used to it, and because it's easy. It will only make you lazy and weak. Take risks, and have the initiative to climb higher.
I'm pretty used to my life here in Mexico City now. I love this city, I really do. However, as I said, it was only the first step; I have greater ambitions, I want to see the world, so my next step is to move to the Netherlands. I'll live in a city which is much smaller than Mexico City, it's gonna be hard at first. I like big cities, and whenever I've gone to the Netherlands I feel out of place if the streets are empty or there's no traffic. Yeah, I have a love/hate relationship with all of Mexico's problems. I hate big crowds and noise when I'm on the street, but the second you take it away, I miss it. Sigh.
A part of me is ready to leave, ready to be a college student, doing all sorts of different things, with great responsabilities, living by myself, etc. The other part still says: "Just a few more months please?".
I wish I could just take all of you with me, but we all have different dreams to pursue. I sincerely hope that we all find what we're looking for, and that one day we can see each other again, all together and share our stories.

1/5

Provided I live a healthy life and have no accidents, I can say I've lived about 1/5 of my life now.
I don't want to give it too much thought though.
I don't think I've wasted, but I wouldn't mind re-living it. It's not that I don't want to grow up, but I'm scared of it. I want it, but I'm scared of it.
If this is what it feels at 1/5, I can only imagine what it'll be like when I get to 1/2.

Parents

Last night I only got one hour of sleep. I went into a sudden, but short, depression, while thinking about death. Not my own, because I've realized that I shouldn't be scared of it, but of the ones I love. I thought specifically about my parents.
I was reading the diary my mom started when I was a baby, in just half a notebook she was able to capture several moments of me in my early days. Then it hit me. It hit me like a freakin' airplane on a twin tower, like a tsunami on a tiny crab. My parents aren't always going to be here for me. One day, they will die, and I will have to carry on and keep on living, and it's going to be very hard at first. My parents have always supported me and provided unconditional love, they have never hurt me, and they always want what's best for me. Not everyone can say that, a lot of people have big issues with their parents. I know I'm lucky. We don't have big fights, and we have a pretty good communication going on between each other.
I'm surprised though, that they haven't gone (from what I've seen) into a midlife crisis of some sort though. Just by reading my mom's diary, and my own (which I found shortly after), I got scared. I got scared because my childhood is in the past, and I will never live that again. Did I make the most out of it? I can only hope I did.
But really, back to my parents, what will I do when they're gone? Something I'm very scared of, is being alone, if by then I don't have someone that truly cares about me, I might become something I hate. The worst side of me might stick and destroy the best one due to lack of affection. And then I thought, that it doesn't have to be that way. I can still focus all my love on someone, it could be my husband, yes, but if there'll be a reason why I should keep on going after my parents are no longer with me, it'll be a son or daughter of my own. Yes, it's too soon to think about that, but I had never really thought about children in that way. After last night I realized that love between parents and their kids is the most poweful thing, and one day I would like to feel that.

Another thing I thought, is that I would always like to remember my parents and have them with me. I mean, I'll obviously save thousands of photographs and videos, but I've been thinking. Tattoos something permanent that I'll have with me always, and I don't want to regret getting one because it lacks meaning or because I might get sick of it. I will never regret having the memory of my parents on me, and I will never get sick of it, so I'm thinking, I'll get a tattoo in their honor. Even though they're still with me, I know I want it. I still don't know what it's going to be like, I would like to have an image that represents them on me, more than their names or something. I guess I should just give it more thought, and I'll even ask them what they think.
We should all appreciate our parents at all times, when you're mad at them, think about all they've done for you, and be thankful because no one will ever love you in that way again.

I Died

We didn't know how it happened, but we knew we were dead.
Me and my mom stared outside the window from the huge mansion where we now lived, as ghosts.
Then we realized, even though we could live forever, we wouldn't be able to share the world with real people or feel the sea on our skin if we went to the beach. It wasn't worth it. I told her I would probably only last a few years before I went insane and decided to end it.
Then for some reason, more people appeared in the house. One by one, random friends of mine. Even though it was good to have them, it wasn't the same, knowing we were condemned to this life.

I could still see my other friends, who hadn't died yet, putting flowers on my grave. Then, something incredible happened, it seemed like some of them, who were alive, could actually see me, as a ghost. Some of them were scared, and some of them wanted to talk to me. It was very sad. The saddest thing was when I remembered Patrick, and I realized that now I had to spend eternity without him. I knew there was a way in which us ghosts, could turn living people into our kind, but I couldn't do that to him. No one deserved to live like this. Hidden in a mansion, watching real people go on with their lives. It was the worst fate.

And then I woke up...

Survey

Runaway - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

What are some things that you consider a waste of time? Why?
Worrying about the future. I mean, I do it too, but I know it's a waste of time. It's good to know what you're gonna do further on, but you shouldn't worry about it too much. No one can be sure if they're still going to be alive tomorrow.
Studying useless subjects. Because we all know some of us will never use calculus or heat & electricity in our lives. Exams are also retarded, they should just let us learn what we can, and what we didn't, well, maybe we didn't need it. Exams are purely memory skills, it's retarded.

What feeling do you have the most difficult in expressing?
Uhm, I don't know what the right word might be for it, but I'm pretty bad at showing people I care about them. Except for my boyfriend, I have trouble telling people "I'm there for them" or that I love them. If they say it to me, I probably won't say it back. It's just not in me. I guess they'll figure out one way or another that I do care about them. I like to show it in other ways, like doing little things for them now and then.

How do you think you would handle yourself in a crisis situation?
First I would be freaking out, but also very excited (?). After all of that was gone, I would probably handle things in a very mature way, organize my priorities and stick to them.

How would someone be able to tell if you were happy?
I am able to smile, so that's one thing. I will probably eat more than usual, whistle, do everything faster. Talk a lot, and not be annoyed when people ask me things. I'll probably even sing and dance a little.

If you had the power to shapeshift, what would you turn into first? Why?
My favorite animal, the black panther. Because then I would run across the jungle, and jump through the trees. Nothing can compare to that feeling of freedom.

How often do you cry? What can bring you to tears?
Almost never. Before I met Patrick, I hadn't cried for over a year or two. And it's not that since I met him he's made me unhappy at times, it's the fact that everytime we separate, I can't help ir, and I cry.

What is the best thing about being a male/female?
For starters, I love the male body. It's absolutely amazing, beautiful, and capable of so many things. Being a man can make you feel at times, like a protector, and it's a nice feeling. You don't have to have a girlfriend or a little sister to feel that way, it's just something that comes with being a man. I know it might sound sexist, and I know that there's plenty of women that are stronger than men, but still, we feel stronger, and more capable of dealing with some things. It's a strange feeling of power, which shouldn't be abused.
Females may have a great variety of clothes, but men's clothes are so much better. Maybe I'm also saying a lot of this because I'm attracted to men, but still, we smell better (in my opinion), our arms provide a feeling of security that a woman could never have, etc.
It's good to be us.

Do you enjoy hugging people? Do you enjoy receiving hugs?
Not really. There's only certain people I like to hug. Don't ask me why, they're just huggable. It doesn't always mean I love them more, there's people I love but I just don't like to hug. It's weird, but that's how it works.



What do you feel is your number one flaw? Are you doing anything about it?
I can be very cold, and short-tempered. No I'm not, I embrace it. I know it makes me look like an asshole, but for some reason, I like that part of myself. I like it that there's something in me that's wrong, and that people don't like. I don't wanna be that guy that everyone likes, and who lets people stomp on him whenever they want. I like being that guy that won't tell you nice things just to make you feel better, I wanna be the guy with only a few friends, but good ones. I don't wanna be fake and try to put on a retarded smile and make conversation just to be polite. I like being imperfect. I enjoy every second of it.

What is a talent you wish you possessed?
I really wish I had a natural talent for writing. I like writing, but I make a big effort to do it. I wish it just came naturally. I wish I could write as good as my dad, so I could one day work in something that involves writing. Who knows? Maybe I can continue to develop this skill, and one day it'll be more than a hobbie.